Expectations

The word expectations has been discussed frequently in the past two weeks.  We are all trying to redefine our expectations of our day to day life within this pandemic.  An expectation is defined as a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.  It can also be defined as a belief that someone will or should achieve something. When we have strong expectations that something will happen a certain way or we will achieve things to a certain level, there is added stress and anxiety when our expectations do not meet reality.  It’s important to look at our expectations and give some thought as to the origin of these expectations. When verbalizing our expectations to others or even to ourselves, we often use the word “should” in describing our goals, which inadvertently sets an expectation of perfection. Think carefully of the phrases we say to others with the word “should” in it – “I should be happy,” “I should not make mistakes,” “I should always be productive,” etc.  We use these phrases without fully realizing the connotation of the word “should.”  A psychologist, Karen Horney, coined the phrase “The Tyranny of the Shoulds” to highlight the problem with using the word “should” in our thinking.  Karen Horney explains that people have two versions of themselves. The “real” self and the “ideal” self, where the person is continually disappointed because their real lives don’t match up to the lives they imagine they “should” be leading.  There is no shortage of ways that people feel overwhelmed by the expectations that are surrounding them.  We have expectations for work and family life and with the advent of social media, platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest, give us an unending parade of expectations that we “should” be meeting. When we engage in goal setting, we need to evaluate whether our expectation is coming from a place of motivation and interest as compared to purely an expectation that we “should’ be doing something.  This will help us to focus on the goals that are important to us versus the unreasonably high expectations that result from a feeling that we should be doing something. Many of us are questioning our expectations for our children with learning now that they are engaged in a distance learning format. There is a level of independence that is needed to help younger children navigate distance learning and parents are now being asked to support their children with their learning.  With some of our younger children, maybe the lessons in reading, math, and writing can be seen as more of “life-skills lessons.”   For example, in reading, children and adults can select books about emotional coping to build both their decoding and comprehension skills. Literature based discussions about anxiety, grief, and socialization are all very timely right now.  A great book (for adults) is “Freeing Your Child from Anxiety” by Tamar Chansky.  Here is a great list of books for children to read: https://www.weareteachers.com/15-must-have-picture-books-for-teaching-social-emotional-skills/  In math, there are numerous opportunities to teach math skills that are real world skills – how to make a budget and plan a grocery list, how to cook using a recipe, how to manage time and set up a daily schedule, etc.  We have an opportunity in writing for children to journal to share their experiences and feelings throughout this pandemic.  All of these are ways we can shift our expectations of learning to reach our goal of growing our reading, math and writing skills in ways that are relevant to our experiences now.  When we shift our expectations to goals that we want to accomplish and are meaningful to us, we let go of the “shoulds” that drive us to unrealistic goals and added stress/anxiety.

My Reflections:

2 Challenges

• With a shift in the way that I am doing my job, I constantly feel that I “should” be doing my job as I was previously, instead of adjusting my expectations to what I am experiencing now.
• There are so many suggestions as to how to make this time “perfect” for our children - it is overwhelming to try all of the things that people are telling me that I should do.

2 Positives

• I have the opportunity to use more of the counseling and consulting skills that I was trained in as compared to the testing skills that I use most days. I enjoy this aspect of my job and feel a renewed sense of purpose in helping kids and their families.
• There are many creative ideas for coping during this crisis - we are able to pick and choose the ones that speak to us a family.  We celebrated a neighbors’ birthday today (not with the 76ers basketball game that had been planned) but with a bunch of signs, balloons, and a group of social distancing neighbors singing happy birthday to their friend.  

What can I do differently tomorrow to adjust my expectations?

• I can listen to my internal language when I think of my expectations.  Am I using the word “should” in my language? Instead of using the word should, is there a way that I can reframe my expectations so that I am achieving a goal that is meaningful to me?

Your Reflections:

2 Challenges

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2 Positives

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What can you do differently tomorrow to adjust your expectations?

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